This is What it is to be Held

Several years ago Christian recording artist Natalie Grant recorded one of my favorite songs. It's title is simply Held. Natalie told the story behind the song at Women of Faith. A friend of Natalie's wrote the song during a time in her life when she was totally at a loss of what to do to help her two best friends. One of her best friends had been waiting for a baby for years and had many miscarriages (a lot like us) she and her husband finally had their baby only to lose this baby to SIDS. The writer's other best friend's husband had been diagnosed with cancer. The husband passed away within the same 24 hour period that the baby died. This friend in the middle felt so helpless. The song she wrote (obviously inspired by the Holy Spirit) speaks of how God doesn't promise us a life free of pain but what He has promised us is a life where no matter what our pain He will be there, holding us. And sometimes when we are numb, when we don't know how to pray, when we don't know what to ask our Father, when we don't even know how to act, react or respond. God is there, Jesus is there, the Holy Spirit is there; interceding for us, directing us, holding us.

This song has inspired me to just sit and let God hold me in my greatest moments of sorrow; to be quiet and let Jesus intercede for me during my greatest moments of despair; to be still and let the Holy Spirit direct me in my greatest moments of listlessness. I found this song (or Jesus let it find me) during my grieving of my last miscarriage almost 4 years ago. God spoke to me through this song. It helped me heal not only from the last miscarriage but from the 3 before that as well.

This song has been a reminder to me these last few weeks of how God loves me. I am in despair, my life is chaotic, my prayers are so selfish. I am not giving back to God. I am not being a servant for Christ. But I am being held and that's all God asks of me, to let Him hold me, and I will. I know when any of my kids (you know who you are from Bryce down to Levi and all in between) are hurting I want to hold them, I want to comfort them and when I am pushed away I am crushed. And as you have probably guessed, ALL I want to do is hold Brody,although it's only happened once. I'm guessing that is how God feels right now. He loves me, and Brent, and Brody and we are being powerfully held in His loving arms.

I pray you all take the time to listen to this song if you can and remember to be Held in moments of despair. Because sometimes that is exactly what God wants for usand all He asks of us.

Brody's update tonight. He now weighs 2lb 12oz, can you say piggy? LOL He is doing well on the CPAP (oxygen mask). With his new blood (He received another blood transfusion last night, he was anemic) and caffeine he is having less apnea spells. He is almost done with the medication to close the PDA and the heart murmur so far seems less. He does, however, have an infection. So he has started a round of antibiotics. Up and coming tests.....Heart ECHO to see if PDA closed. Blood culture to see how fast the infection grows. Repeat blood test to check bilirubin numbers (he may be the "blue light special" again for a short period). He can't be fed while taking the medication for the PDA and being on the CPAP makes him work a little harder than the vent tube. Therefore, he may lose some of the weight he just gained. Tough week for Daddy, Mommy, and Baby but we made it (whew) and it's one week closer to gestational age which means he is maturing day by day.