Watching Him Grow

Master Brody enjoyed time in his daddy's arms last night. He was so adorable, we really enjoyed our time together as our little family :) We noticed small changes that weren't apparent even last yesterday. When he is awake and looking around, it is like he is exploring. When he sleeps he is more peaceful. He is maturing right before our eyes. I know this might sound weird but he is more like a baby, he even got a little fussy when it was time for his milk to go into his feeding tube. Poor little guy these past weeks was struggling for almost every breath, his brain not formed enough to make him remember to breath. He has matured from basically a fetus to a baby right before our eyes. The growth changes are amazing, not just physically but mentally also. He has gained weight, grown in length, his brain tells him now to breath (almost all of the time), that he is hungry, that he is mad or uncomfortable, his little face is more defined, his ears aren't as flimsy, his skin isn't transparent anymore, his eyes aren't just open but looking around, he has an awareness that he didn't have before.

But if those exploring eyes are open and visiting hours are over Mommy's heart breaks every time I walk out of that door. The feeling to grab him and run has crossed my mind more than once but since I have enough since to know he needs the care he is receiving to breath, I don't . But I want him home so badly. The feeling of helplessness is overwhelming. And him being in the isolette makes him just out of reach. The times I have just longed to lean in and kiss his head but can't are uncountable. Do you remember the old movies where the little kid sees the perfect Christmas gift in the toy store window, usually a train or a dollhouse? I feel like that. He is there, I can stand and stare at him but I can't "play" with him. Sometimes nurses are great about including "mom" other times not so much. I never want to interfere so I don't change diapers, bedding, or clothes unless I'm asked to participate. These nurses have an amazingly important job they may have to hurry to do these "tasks" to do something more life-saving for another baby. To me they are not tasks, it is caring for my baby, and I can't do it. I want to help, I want to fix it but I can't. I sit and stare longingly at my "train".

But as a parent I am learning this lesson about 13-17 years early. Do you agree teen parents? Don't you watch longingly and want to fix the mistakes your kids make? Don't you want to change their clothes into something less trendy. Don't you wish they would eat veggies instead of chips? I remember my mom during my teen years advising; "It's not what I would do." It's not what I would say." "It's not what I would wear." And me thinking, "She doesn't understand." Then having to admit (to myself only) that she was soooo right. And my daddy's favorite response to anything is, "Whatever" I believe it's because of raising three teenagers. And don't you think God sits in Heaven and wants to stop us from making mistakes, especially the ones that can crumble our lives? But He doesn't. He lets us falter, learn, and grow. So I sit and watch Brody in the isolette falter, learn, and grow.

Update:
Brody gets fed 30cc (1 ounce) now every 3 hours with a pump that takes an hour for the feed to go in. Today they are stepping up the pump, it will take 30 minutes. His reflux is doing well with the meds so prayerfully he can handle stepping it up. His lungs still sound good, no fluid build up and he isn't getting puffy again with fluid retention. A relief!!! They are lowering his settings a little more on the CPAP today and scheduled to try the nasal cannula tomorrow. God will make sure he is ready!! Brody needs to take this next step. With the fluid gone I think this is a real weight - he is up to 3lb 12oz. Yesterday was 5 weeks. I am sorry all I have is old pics, that he doesn't look like anymore and I keep forgetting to take my camera (I am not a picture person). I will take tons of pictures today for your viewing pleasure....