Its Never Enough

Deedee and I both got another night of delight in that we both got to hold our son again!! It is such a comforting feeling to have him in our arms and the feeling is so natural even in spite of all the wires tubes and lines. It is odd how quickly we all can adjust to our new surroundings and find a way to be comfortable with the situation at hand. The one thing that has never gotten comfortable however is walking out of that room. It doesn't matter if we are coming back after the one hour break or leaving for the night it never feels right to walk out. We trust in God to look after him always and the entire staff at Ruby shows how much they care and he is in great care. But I just can't adjust to walking out of that room. Something deep inside screams, "Don't turn your back on your son"... No matter whether I get to hold him for ten minutes or half an hour (which is a long time in the NICU world) it is never enough..

I think in some small way I am beginning to understand what God must have went through when He saw His son, my savior, on that cross. There was Jesus hanging on that cross, that's when it became my life support. My God could not reach down and take Him off untill it was completed for all of mankinds ultimate good. Then as if that wasn't bad enough, when the full weight of my sin was on Christ, God had to turn His back and for a brief moment walk away. Even though He knew He would see Christ again it had to be agonizing beyond any words can describe. The feeling that I get when I have to walk out of Brody's room may compare. I don't know for sure all I know is that it is Hard. I can't reach in and do anything. I am fully dependant on God right now and all of Brody's caregivers. This is really tough on someone like me, who has been used to fixing things, solving problems, and just making wrong turn out right. I have to acknowledge fully God is in control and I must cling to Him to carry us through. If this feeling I have is even some micro percent of what God felt when seeing His son on the cross for me, and Him knowing that His son must do this on His own and that He would have to turn His back, even for a moment.... It has been one thing to think that I made Jesus go to the cross but I made a father turn his back on his son. I say over again with a fresh appreciation for what I put my Lord through, I am sorry! I am sorry, please forgive me. Putting my Lord on the cross has always made me feel regret for my sin, but His father having to turn His sight from His son because of me is overwhelming now that I am a father. If it weren't for knowing that I will get to see my son again I don't think I could leave at night, and if it weren't for knowing that I will see my Lord and Savior to thank Him in person it would be hard to accept the forgiveness. But it is that acceptance that will carry me through and Living for Him is the only gratitude that He asks. Seems small in comparison.

Sorry I just realized how long I've been "preaching". How about some updates: Brody went back on the CPAP as he still is not ready for the nasal cannula. Still a few bad apnea spell oh how I hate those. Seeing your son turn Blue is not the color for little boys. He is tolerating his feeds well but they had to remove his Central line (aka the pic line) due to some leakage, this means back to IVs and more discomfort for him. To help with the acid reflux they are putting his feeds in slower. And he is very active, so since his weight is up, they put clothes on him and bundled him, thinking he may feel more secure and get more rest - hopefully causing less apnea. He also had some lasiks today to help with some fluid retention.

If you all could see him you would be so proud of this little fighter and how patient he is with all this discomfort. I also am beginning to understand how God looked down on His son and said the most well know verse in Scripture. "This is my beloved son in whom I am well pleased" and on that final day when He looks at us and if He sees His Son standing there beside us saying, "this one belongs to me" how all God will see is perfection and be able to say "Well done my good and faithful servant". Oh how I long to be sure that is said of me and I pray every one of you reading this longs for the same said of you.

Thanks for all of your prayers and putting up with my preaching tonight. My therapy at your expense. :>)

Brody's Daddy