I have been perplexed at how many people have told me how radiant I look since I have been expecting Brody. I believed it was the "pregnancy glow" thing. I even had a dear friend accuse me of having plastic surgery. But what has been totally weird is it hasn't stopped since Brody has been born. Because, as you can imagine, I don't feel like I look that good during this time nor have I been my primping perfect self. So I have wondered and even voiced that I thought the compliments were coming from my family and friends being loving and supportive. Then tonight at home church we read Psalms 34. Chapter 5 says "Those who look to Him are radiant..." (I, unbelieving, have been told that I still look radiant which I responded maybe because I am still supposed to be pregnant) But tonight it popped in my head like a light bulb. Maybe the look others see in me is Christ. I have been so focused on him that like the sun reflecting off a car window, Christ is "bouncing" off of me. I would love to tell you that I am focused on Him as a deliberate act but I can not. I am focused on Christ like a tight rope walker. If I look away I might falter.

During our pregnancy I didn't know how far we would get; if this time we would actually have a baby or would it end in sorrow yet again. And most don't know but although I felt great during the pregnancy it was not without complication. So I daily focused on Christ, because if I lost another baby I wanted Christ right there. I was also afraid and I knew if I focused on Him and His word I wouldn't be afraid. I held tight to 2 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." I printed it and posted it on the fridge and read it ALL the time. I knew I couldn't get through another loss without grasping to His loving arms.

Then since Brody's arrival I have kept looking at Christ because I want power, love, and a sound mind. Unlike the miscarriages, this is new territory. I don't know what to expect. I don't know how I feel from one day to the next. But I do know I can't do any of it without the support and love from my Heavenly Father. If I focus on Brody I won't radiate Christ I'll radiate fear, worry, guilt. God gave me this verse tonight, it was something I needed to hear. I needed to know to keep on keeping on. If I continue to focus on God, my tight rope walk will be successful. I will make it to the other side safely and God is there waiting to receive me.

Tonight Master Brody is adorable. I know you are shocked to hear his momma say that. We are kinda on a holding pattern right now. The cultures are still being watched but are "clean" for no infection. He is still receiving his antibiotic and will do so for 10 days after a clean culture. His central line is back in so less IV sticks will be needed (which makes everyone happy). His first central line went in the left side of his head so he had his head shaved then with the infection it was removed. The new central line is in the right side of his head so head shaved again. He will come home with a mohawk. (I know his cousin Amanda will love it) He is still on IV nutrition and they are increasing his feeds. We tried the nasal cannula again and again Brody said "not yet" by experiencing more apnea spells. So our goals this week are to accomplish the nasal cannula, tolerate more volume of feedings and remove the IV nutrition, have less and less apnea spells, keep the infection away, and grow. Lots of work for such a little guy. Last night we couldn't have our Saturday night bath date because there was no hot water in the NICU. So we had a bath date tonight. Well he wasn't tolerating his bump in feedings and just as I would get his mouth, chin, and shoulder clean more would come back out again and again. Then I took off his diaper to clean his teeny tiny tush and legs and he didn't squirt on us but thank goodness we had a pad under him because he pooped. We were like the Bad News Bears no matter what batter we tried we struck out. Not to mention his bed is heat sensitive so as he gets colder the bed heats to keep his body temperature regulated and he was cold from being wet. And we are doing this through the portals.............Brody, Brent, and I were all worn out by the time Brody was clean. But we succeeded. I promised him I would make bath time fun at home. Until then we will gladly accept portal baths.